Four in the god damn morning

All the times that certain people made me promise to call them if/when I ever get close to killing myself
But nothing is as hard as making that call at four in the morning, for fear that they won’t pick up, or worse,
That they will pick up, and might actually save me from my own self destruction
Might actually take me from my freedom

Fellow colleagues, distinguished members of the press, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to take this opportunity to personally and humbly thank each and every one of you for joining us at this particular event. It is my hope that we can utilize this meeting of the minds to successfully convey the essence of our platform to you, a grand and noble audience. As I look out among the faces, I reflect, taking console in the words of Franklin Delano Roosevelt who said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself”. Paranoia is a disease unto itself, and may I add, the person standing next to you may not be who they appear to be, so take precaution. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, this is true, many a young person has fallen prey to the substances that alter the perspective of any right thinking individual. The problem with the youth today is, because of their inexperience with the world, they cannot attempt to grasp the ideals set forth by myself and those who preceded me but, as history has shown, they will come around and embrace our philosophies and become model citizens in their own right. God bless this great nation.

Sathington Willoughby (Les Claypool, Master of Run-on Sentences)